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Watch Ronda Rousey’s SNL Opening Monologue

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TRANSCRIPT:

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you for coming out even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. They’ve closed Broadway, they closed movie theaters, they even closed all bars so tonight we’re literally the only show in town. So excited to be here because this will be the first time I’ll be live on television without getting punched in the face. It’s also the first time  I’m talking to the fans since I lost to Holly Holm in November, which by the way, Holly deserved to win and I just wanted to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her. That’s enough. All those who are worried I’m not ready to host the show because I like have brain damage relax. I’m good. Besides everything I need is on cue cards.  In all seriousness, I’m fine and I’m ready to crush it.

(Bell signals) (Commentators discuss intro)

Coach: Ok, Ronda baby the crowd is with you and it’s time for them to really making some noise. Ronda: How am I supposed to do that coach? Coach: You have to throw out some applause lines you know stuff to give them something really to cheer for. Rousey: Isn’t that kind of cheap? Coach: Do you win this monologue or not now get your butt out there!

Round 2:

How does it feel to be in New York City? Who here likes cake? What’s up with this winter storm? I haven’t seen this many flakes since I used Tinder.

Commentators break down monologue. Rousey visits coach.

Rousey: I don’t know if I can keep going coach I’m so tired. Coach: You can sleep during update but right now it’s time for a sure thing. Why don’t you hit them with some Kate McKinnon and Justin Bieber? Rousey: But Justin Bieber isn’t even in the news right now. Coach: No one cares about that. Now go.

Round 3 (with Justin Bieber actress): Bieber: Hey girl, you’re not the only one with quick moves. Bieber dances and Rousey slaps him.

Commentators break down monologue:

Round 4: Rousey dances and she passes mic to Selena Gomez. Gomez sings. Rousey: We have a great show tonight with Selena Gomez and we’ll be right back.

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